it does though. really.

anyway. my days have been uneventful, but the good news is as of 2pm today school was FINISHED. i dropped my last 2 papers off and walked out of the Atrium a free woman..and then i immediately ran into my AJ, which made me happy.

la la then what lets see. i went for one last farewell Valley trip with Erc and the other AJ, and i'm a little sad cause i missed Leen but it was nice to see AJ. sadly, we didn't see Biscuit, though Erc came prepared with Special K for him hahaha. anyhow.

then i went to work, which was largely uneventful except for the fact that i had a big giant sale that made me extremely happy. money is good haha. la la..then i went out with Michelle cause i just didn't have it in me to drive to Morristown for Jackie's birthday (sorry Baby!!).

so what else has been going on in the life of the Lola? not much, sadly. i don't remember when i last updated this thing, but its pretty much the same stuff all the time. i go to school and go to work and go out, usually with Michelle and Jeff haha. the weekend was good though. friday i worked and i don't think i went out afterwards but i may have...then saturday i worked in the morning, went out with Michelle for dinner, then came back to go out for a drink with Susan, which made me happy. i love my Sista, shes a good time. although funny story, we were at the bar and i had a moderately low-cut shirt on (but not a typical Lola shirt)..so im sitting and my bag falls off the chair, and theres like a million guys standing around me and i was like wow, such gentlemen, don't all reach at once. so i got all annoyed, got up and bent over to get it, and as i come back up i see like 3 middle-aged men gawking at me, and Sista is laughing hysterically. and then suddenly i figured out why none of the surrounding men offered to get my bag for me haha.

anyway. Sunday i didn't do much..cleaned the house, and then went to Maggie Moo's with Michelle, came home and sat around with my mom for a while, and then Erc called me and we made plans to go out to the Shep (which i havent gone to in months...not since Dave's birthday actually, when Jess and i made an appearance to say hi to Bree and some of the other girls. i fucking love that bar, you have no idea)...so i drove down to school to fetch Erc and her 2 friends, and we met Leen and her boyfriend Michael, which was awesome cause a) who doesn't love Leen??, and b) Michael is pretty awesome he made me laugh. they're a good match, i think.

anyhow. the bar was fun but i didnt stay long cause i had work Monday morning, which i was crazy excited about bec my LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISA came back!!!! she's our new manager and i'm drunk with happiness because i missed her so so much and talking on the phone a few times a week just wasn't cutting it for me. but anyhow. that was really nice..and i (we) got a lot done, which was excellent.

so that brings us to today which we already covered ha. the rest of the week should be uneventful, all i'm doing is working. although, HAPPY DAY, my Ashley is home from Tampa for a few days, so i have plans to see her tomorrow night and maybe possibly hopefully Thursday night, which is exciting cause i missed her. and i may or may not see Blair tomorrow night, which is also exciting.

speaking of Blair, i finally met the baby a few weeks ago, and he's absolutely gorgeous, and looks exactly like Adam. i swear you could pick this kid out of a lineup, and i never saw a baby that was only a month old who looked so much like anyone. he looks just like Adam, but with Blair's beautiful, beautiful blue eyes. this kid is going to grow up to be gorgeous haha. anyway it was fantastic to see Adam and Blair, because i love them...even if i did have to muck through mud in flip flops ha.

hmm so what so what. i think thats it. the past week has been a little bit of a blur. this week was pretty excellent, but last week not so much. my uncle Gene died on the 26th, which sucked pretty bad, but on the bright side i got to actually spend some time with Rosemary and my aunt Mary, both of whom i love very much ha. but yeah i already miss uncle Gene so thats kind of shitty. and i'll miss him at the wedding..also i'll miss aunt Mary bec she said she wasn't going and i'm really upset about that bec i was really looking forward to seeing her there. my aunt Mary is a good time.

i'm excited about this wedding, but i STILL don't have a dress and the wedding isa in 4 days. i told my mom that if the dress i just ordered looks bad on me im just going to show up in a towel. she just looked at me, and my uncle told me "at least blow dry your hair."

aaaand thats my uncle Vincent haha. oh! and Lenny and Michelle are just the absolute best..bec just when i think its impossible for me to love them any more (which is considerable, if you take into account the fact that Lenny is like my big brother and i love him so much more than words could ever describe), they go and do something fantastic. when we were at the wake, Michelle said that she and Lenny were fighting over where to seat me. so i said, "as long as i'm near Vinessa, uncle Vincent, and the Raffaele's, i'm ecstatic. and don't puit me with my parents." so Michelle and i laughed over that, and then Vinessa called me a few days ago to tell me that Lenny told her that her, me, Chris and Anthony were at the same table. which is so exciting, bec they're my FAVORITES, but it also means trouble hahaha since me and Chris generally cause trouble, and Anthony is loud, and Vinessa and i have already agreed that we're going to get tanked at this wedding.

ohh the excitement.

but seriously, i miss my family. it frightens me how much i miss them, even though i see them relatively often.

and then the next weekend is my Nessa's prom!!! so i'm going up there for the weekend so i can do her makeup for prom, and i'll spend a few days there. i'm going up thursday, and her prom is friday, and i'll come home either saturday or sunday, depending on whats going on there for the weekend. my uncle is so cute, hes all excited that i'm coming..as are Jake and Jill, and obviously Vinessa is beside herself bec its prom AND im doing her makeup AND im staying all weekend AND we'll see each other 2 weeks in a row.

not gonna lie, i'm kind of beside myself with excitement too. obviously.

anyway i'm gonna go, bec its now 1am and quite frankly, im a little hyper.

april is annoying. it never seems to know if it wants to be sunny and warm, or rainy and freezing. i wish it would make up its mind.

anyway. in other news. interesting follow-up to the boiler situation at Kari's....we pressed the reset button one more time after i wrote in here, and it started smoking, so we were like "ok, never touch that again." so they came home from le cruise and Ed calls me and tells me to press the button, so i get in an argument with him that i'm not pressing it bec it was smoking and shaking and frankly, fuck that. so he got all annoyed, and then when he got home, he pressed the button and guess what? it SHOT FLAMES AT HIM. and suddenly, i felt vindicated.

but anyway. these past 2 weeks have been sent straight from hell as far as school is concerned. theres just so much stuff to do and not enough hours in the day to get it done. and work is crazy as well, since they're re-doing all the cases and they (the cases, that is) take forever. saturday, Patti and i did 30, which is a relatively small case, and it took us--and i am not kidding-- 10 hours. but theyre almost done, so i can go back to auditing and be happy.

we got a new girl. she's alright. her name is Amber. time will tell, i suppose.

i forgot what i was going to say. ugh.

oh well. today is my presentation in Seminar that ive been putting off forever. after this week, hell is closer to being over. i mean that in general, bec the only classes i like are Janusko's (of course), and Suess's isnt too bad...for the most part i'm happy with my Seminar. but developmental psych and history? blah. the essay for Developmental is due thursday, and then the following thursday is the final, and then we're one down. monday ends Janusko's class, and then we're 2 down...and i forget when that blasphemous history final is. May 9th maybe? if its on Jessalin's birthday i will be happy, cause i will go out and drink to rival a fish that night.

anyhow. speaking of Jessalin, i spent the day with her yesterday and had a lot of fun. we went to her bar and started drinking at 1230 in the afternoon haha (hey, its always a good time for stoli blueberry and sprite...and it tastes like blueberry pancakes, so thats my justification)..then we went shopping at willowbrook, and stopped by Bree's softball game..and that was it. she dropped me off back at school at around 6, and i hung out til it was time to go to Janusko's class..and then i just came home.

man it was hot yesterday. like sweltering, "i think i'm gonna die" hot. which was fine, until i found out friday's going to be 40 degrees and rainy..and hence why i hate april.

what else, what else. sunday was Michelle's bridal shower, which was exciting cause i got to see everyone, and i got to see my LENNY!!! which always makes me frighteningly happy. anyway her ring is gorgeous..my cousin did a damn good job picking that one out. it looks to be about a carat and a half or a carat and a quarter, with a princess stone in the center and a baguette on each side, set in white gold..its really beautiful. anyway what then. oooh i got to see Judy at the shower! that was nice, cause i havent seen Judy since Vincent's wedding..although i really dont remember seeing her and Stephen i just know they were there. so i havent actually talked to them since Gianna's christening, which was like 2 years ago. which sucks. but i love Judy.

so Phoebe is deteriorating rapidly and i think she might die soon. surprisingly, my father is taking this really hard. she was a good dog though..well. she wasnt a good dog. but she was a fun dog. and i never met a dog that had personality like Pheebs, so i'm gonna miss her a whole bunch. she was smarter than all of us haha. she seems to be doing a small bit better now that its warm outside, but when its rainy and cold she really seems like shes about 2 breaths from dead. but, such is life.

is it really only tuesday? good jesus. this is gonna be a long week..and i have to go now so i can get it started.

....since i was on here. nothing too earth shattering has transpired. all of the woodland creatures are present and accounted for (with the exception of Oswald the 3-legged deer that i was lucky enough to see a few weeks ago), and life continues as normal.

i'm "kari-sitting" this week while Sandi and Ed are on their cruise. so far, its going well as in all of the animals are alive (i think)...but naturally, friday was our first night alone, and sometime in the night either the boiler broke or we ran out of oil. saturday i woke up at Kari telling me there was no hot water and no heat..at all. so we had to press the reset button on the boiler, which she did cause she beat me home, and when i got home around 130, there was warm water..and when i woke up at 11? it was gone. so now i am back at home, and Kari is at Bridget's, and i hope that the dogs are ok. plus i miss them.

although speaking of the dogs, Tiffy is warming up to me rapidly, and Caroline is still my favorite. even if she DID bring me a bat wing the other night...i guess she just wanted to show she cared. it was gross, but whatever. it was a gift..i am in no position to pass up gifts hahha.

anyhow. tomorrow is my Kristin's 21st. we're going out to Morristown tomorrow night to celebrate, and i foresee a fun night at The Office with some of my favorites. plus i get to go after my favorite class EVER, which is even better.. tomorrow looks like its gonna be a good day, which would be wonderful since the past few days have been nothing but aggravation.

work is going along as it always does. my cases are almost fixed from our horrible inventory, and i am happy about that. however, i am still poor, and i am not happy about that.

but whatever. in other, more exciting news, my faaaaavorite is getting MARRIED!!! i'm so excited. my cousin Lenny and Michelle are getting married and i couldnt be happier for them. the wedding is in May and i am so excited i cannot even BEGIN to tell you. one more month!!

plus that will be an awesome week, because Lenny's wedding is on saturday, and then the thursday after i'm going to my aunt's house for the weekend so i can do my Nessie's makeup for prom. so so excited.

i really dont know what else to say here, since its been too long for a full recap haha. but stay posted!, i'll try to be better. :D

...which is a shame, cause i used to really love them ha. but now its the scholastic day from HELL.

anyway meh nothing much is new. school this semester is killing me and im really concerned about doing well. i've abandoned all hope of dean's list and am now merely hoping i pass my classes. that psych of gender class that i thought would be the easiest class? its fucking impossible. but luckily, im not alone, and i've crafted a merry band of followers who are afraid of that class as well haha. theyre pretty cool.

i dont miss work, but i miss seeing everyone. i havent seen Marya in like 3 weeks, and i miss my Christopher, and i even miss Ball a little bit. never mind that i cant handle not seeing Susan all the time.

aaaaaaaaanyway whats new whats new. last week was my Bag Of Issues week; in a span of 5-6 days i managed to screw up the computer (but i fixed it, go me!), and my car flipped out a little bit (ok, kind of a lot bit, but i fixed that too, go me!), and now everything is back to normal.

i dont even really know what to write here. i want to go on a date with my Robynnnnn. and i dont see Michelle that much anymore, either..it sucks being poor haha.

however, i do see Kari like every 5 seconds, so thats pretty cool. i went to the house yesterday and i had a lot of fun bantering with Jackie all day--the kid's pretty quick hahaha. in time, she may even be as quick as me :). anyway yeah i had fun with the girls. actually got to spend some time with Jenna, which was nice cause usually i only get to say hi to her in passing and call it a day, so it was really nice to actually hang out with her.

umm so yeah. i left at 10? 11? i think 11..made it home in 50 minutes, which is *awesome*, and then dropped into bed, having been inexplicably tired by the days activities. i think i was just tired from all the driving (home to school to target to the mall to kari's to home).. and then i woke up today at 9 for round 2.. went to school, wrote 2 papers and did some homework/studying, then had class from 2:00-7 (suuuuuuuuucks), then i met Michelle for what could be called dinner at Wendy's.. then bleh. drove home, here i am, not too exciting.

what was the weekend? i worked..well no what did i do sunday? i think i just sat around on sunday. yeah i think i did..i cant even remember ha. saturday i worked and i think i went to the diner with Michelle that night? i think so. friday was fun, worked and then drove home in a near-ice storm with Kari, and we had an amusing evening.

what did i do monday? oh god. monday. monday was *so* annoying. i drove to school to find a canceled class, then turned around and drove to SCCC to get my transcripts transferred over, then drove to Hamburg to get my car photo inspected, then went home for like an hour and a half, and then went to my night class..which was really boring for some reason. and the infuriating boredom was NOT helped by the 2 girls sitting next to me who randomly started singing that stupid "16 going on 17" song from "the sound of music"...im still not sure why that happened.

anyway then what. i went outside and talked to Roger and Diane for a little while, but that got old fast bec it was ungodly cold outside and none of us could stand it..then i came home and didnt do anything..Tuesday i didnt do much, even though for some reason i feel like i did. and then yesterday was Weds and weve already covered that.

is it bad that i genuinely have trouble remembering events that occured more than 5 days ago? school is just wiping my short-term memory clean.

ugh. im so happy that tomorrow friday and all i have to do is go to work. its like a vacation!

aaaaaaaand speaking of vacations!, 10 days til FLORIDA!!!! im so excited.

im going to my uncle's house that friday into either saturday or sunday (probably saturday), and then sunday Kari and i are spending the night in Atlantic City, and then we fly out monday morning, not to return until friday night. awesommmmme.

i seriously cannot wait. i dont know what im more excited for: hopewell junction with my family that i havent seen since christmas, or the prospect of it being summer for a whole week.

im not going to lie; ive thrown together a tote bag of stuff to bring with me to florida. i pulled out the bathing suits, tanning oil, sunblock, flip flops, and tank/halter tops..i *cannot* wait for 80* weather. even if it does bring alligators. i'll die happy.

im also excited bec theres an outside chance i'll see Ashley when im there, which is just fantastic, since i really miss her. hopefully that works out the way i want it to, but i guess we'll see when we get there since Tampa is like 2 hours from Coral Gables.

i'll walk if i have to.

im a little sad though cause i'm missing Blair's baby shower that saturday :-/ i wanted to go..i havent seen her or Adam since the night before thanksgiving. merw. but i'll have lunch with her soon so thats pretty good.

im thinking that maybe when summer comes around and i have a small sum of money i'll hit up the bar. its been a long time since i went. and frankly, the Lola/Danielle/Gilson/PA train of terror hasnt been out in a long time, and we have to act soon lest v-town thinks weve retired from causing mischief.

plus, you know..i miss them hahaha. i havent seen PA since...since..i dont even know. a few days before christmas, i guess, when he came to visit me at the mall. merw.

ok, im going to bed now..i know its only 10, but im pretty much done haha.

today was Teddy's birthday. he would have been 24.

i miss him. so much.

i couldn't breathe driving down canistear. it was almost as bad today as it was the first few days after it happened..the days when there were some times i had to drive out to 23 via 515 because passing the scene was too much for me.

thats the worst feeling..having to remind yourself to breathe. i must have looked like a nut to anyone driving past me-- hands clenching the steering wheel, knuckles white, breathing methodically in, and then out. i probably looked slightly as though i were giving birth.

anyway. i had work today. it was largely uneventful. but Lisa came in, and i miss her. and i talked to Stacy. and went shopping with Leigh. and talked to Mary Kate. all in all, once i got to work, it was a good day.

after work i went to the king george with Robyn. i love her. she is one of the only people to whom i can talk to, absolutely uncensored. its nice to talk to someone who you know will never judge you or misunderstand you.

i miss Grace.

anyway. here i am. its 1 in the morning, and i have to work in 12 hours. i should probably get to sleep, but i've been thinking about Teddy, and Fucko. and both are making me melancholy, though obviously in different ways.

but fucko is not making me angry. and i call him that half in jest. i dont hate him, though i know it seems like i do. and he has done things that have hurt me deeply, but i cant judge or be angry because i am sure that i have said and done things that have upset him as well.

tonight i came to terms with a lot of things regarding him. im not depressed, though, oddly enough; ive taken an objective stance on things. im surprised at how not sad i am; but i guess that means i'm over the situation.

thank god..i couldnt really handle having to feel that badly all of the time. i love him, dearly (even though i hate the way he treats me)..but i have to let him go. if he comes back someday, then that will be absolutely fantastic. and if not, i have a lot of happy memories.

i dont want to work tomorrow. i want to sleep all day. if only that were an option. its bad enough im going in late.

anyway. after work i'm going to nyc with Kari and her family for her mom's birthday dinner. i'm kind of excited..i love the Forshner/Hughes family.

im excited about Florida. i can't wait. we're down to 22 days not counting today (today being sunday)...and i'm so excited. ive already put aside tanning oil, flip flops, several small bottles of vodka, and 2 bathing suits. this vacation cannot come soon enough...for either of us.

kari and brian broke up the other day, and its been affecting everyone. they, obviously, are upset, but i am upset as well. because they are both my friends, and i cant do anything to fix things. the situation is irrevocable, and my loving both of them doesnt make it all right (or even better). its been a depressing week in the neighborhood.

school is good. its a lot of work. its a lot of driving. but my classes, for the most part, are not too bad. and its nice to only work 2 days a week.

frighteningly nice.

it would be nice to marry a man with enough money to support us without my having to work. i would be content to be the old fashioned italian woman that i am, and be a housewife.

or i could just be a "modern woman", and marry some rich guy who works all the time, take all of his money, and cheat on him.

but sadly, as i am incapable of lying or generally being deceitful..thats not in the cards for me.

but then again, the lack of the abilities of lying and deception will cause me to be single for the rest of my life, since apparently honesty is not a valuable asset, and it seems no one wants that. to be in a relationship, it appears that i have to become a lying, cheating, irrational individual who just wants to fight all the time and then have sex to excuse the fighting. this, it appears, is what it takes to get (and keep) a boy.

being a good person is not on my side. i wonder why this is. in love and business, being a good person seems to hold you back.

if only i could lie. life would be so much easier without telling the truth all the time.

look where telling the truth has gotten me.

i guess i'll go to sleep now. maybe when i wake up, life won't be stupid.

i wish Erry was home. i wish things were the way they used to be. i wish G3 still existed.

i wish--harder than i wish for all of these other things--that you hadnt thrown me away.

today was a good day. well, every day is a good day, pretty much. i had 2 dreams 2 nights in a row that made me happy:: monday night i dreamed that i was living with Fucko, and i hated him (how odd), and so when he went away on vacation or wherever, i moved out. but the only apartment available was next door, so i didnt pack anything, i just kept going back and forth taking what i wanted, and i left everything that was his or reminded me of him or in any way had anything to do with him in the old apartment.

then last night i dreamed that i was seeing some guy (thats how i knew it was a dream), and Fucko showed up looking for me and he was so proud of himself because he thought he was making this big sacrificial gesture by stopping at nothing to get to me and tell me all these things, and at the end of his emotional confession i started yelling at him. he kept trying to defend himself, but i kept yelling at him, and then i turned around and walked away with whoever the other guy was.

i woke up kind of proud of myself. in dreams, i do the right thing. and i think both of those were good signs. i guess i'm finally moving on, instead of just saying i am. i'm not going to lie and say i don't miss him, but i think i'm finally seeing that he's just not worth it..and he's just not worth me.

anyway. i miss Teddy this week..infinitely. he was all i was thinking about in my Developmental Psych class thursday night. i had a little conversation with him in my head haha and i think he was amused..i do believe that he was with me and he was listening to me. he always did listen to me when i rambled.

i miss him. i wish i could talk to him. i wish we had stayed friends after we grew up.. then i would have more to remember him by than just the fleeting memories of childhood. but i remember more and more random things every day, and for that i am grateful. this afternoon i woke up from a dream in which we were riding our bikes through the lot next to his house, like we used to do before they built another house there..anyway, in the dream we were riding along, and he was in front of me, and he kept looking over his shoulder to make sure i was all right. he used to do that every time we walked or rode through there, to make sure i didn't trip, or fall, or get poison ivy haha. he protected me from all the tangible evils of childhood adventure.

i just wish i had someone else to talk to that knew him. Tracy's all i have, and we don't talk that much. plus its hard for me to talk to her about him, because they were close forever, even after the 3 of us grew up and age prohibited us being as close as we once were.

but i do miss him. every day. and every time i talk to myself--which, if you know me, is often--i am certain that he is there, listening to my thoughts.

anyhow.

today was pretty good. i had my western civ class, which was chock full of retarded 18 year olds (the problem with taking gen-eds when you're a senior is that everyone else JUST got out of high school, and frankly, they suck.)..the class wasnt bad, the teacher seems to know her stuff, but the girl behind me was a non-stop ray of sunshine all day (sarcasm.) and she wouldnt freaking shut up. i tried being nasty to her and that didnt work...so then i tried outbitching her (which was difficult, considering she had something negative to say about EVERYTHING), and that didnt work either..so ugh. hopefully she'll be absent a lot, or switch seats.

then i came home, had lunch, and took a nap until 5:30..at which point i got up, talked to my dad for a few minutes, and went through the mail. i got my invite to Blair's baby shower today, and i'm sad that i can't go..but ive been looking forward to going to my aunt's house forEVER, so. if i get home early enough maybe i'll go.

ooh and my Erry sent me a present! it contained a long letter, and she got me a book called "confessions of a naughty lola", which is some kind of anthology of excerpts from british personals?, but it looks funny, and she sent me a trial box thing of her "favorite shampoo and conditioner ever!", and she sent me my MSU tshirt that i never bought when i went to Michigan. she got me the one that makes me giggle-- the green one that says "Sparty On" in huge white letters across the chest. i realize that no one will get it unless they have gone to or know someone who goes to MSU, but thats fine. it makes me laugh.

i miss my Erry. merw. i haven't seen her since September..and probably won't see her til the summer, providing i fly down there again, which i would like to do.

anyhow then i navigated myself down the snowy mountain (it was bad up here before..and then i got off the mountain and NOTHING.) to go to Janusko's class.. talked to Danielle en route, then met her at school and went to class.

i was really surprised, because the class is not only FULL, but its full of people i know, and a lot of the people in the class were in my class with him last semester. i guess that just goes to show, but whatever. i will take this forum to say hi to Dr. Janusko, since i now know that he reads this haha, which means i can no longer say anything about him, since i have nothing bad to say about him (obviously, or i wouldnt have taken him again), and if i say anything nice he will think i am writing it purely because he reads this haha.

that said, my final comment will be that i love listening to his stories, and we got some today. he's interesting. i enjoy listening to him talk.

i also enjoy that Roger and Diane are in my class this semester. Diane is such a sweetheart!, and i havent seen her since octoberish i think. and Roger..well. he turns up in the strangest of places haha. after class he, Danielle, and I hung outside of Hunziker talking for about an hour, covering everything from cops hitting on us to "fascinatingly ugly" people to the Autobahn/ Europe in general to our political views. then we broke up our little party, bec Dani had to go down to her grandmother's house and i had to make my way back up the mountain.

surprisingly the roads werent bad at home. i was a little leery on 23 as i went up further, but it wasnt slippery at all. even Canistear was good. the only snow that stuck around was on Chestnut, and that road was pretty slippery. but by then im 2 seconds from home, and going about 10 mph anyway because of cats and people walking dogs and the like.

and here i am. i'm about to have some soup and go to sleep, since i have an endless string of classes tomorrow.

oh! hows this for weird? Amanda Mulligan, terror of the 6-year-old CCD class, has resurfaced. when we were like 12, she dropped off the face of Vernon, but she is in fact alive and well, and has appeared in my developmental psych class. i dont know if she remembers me, but she looked over at me more than a few times so i guess chances are good that she does. as long as she doesnt try to talk to me its fine.

its kind of boring only working 3 days a week. nice...but boring. the new manager is all right..he's no Brian. as much as it kills me to admit haha, i miss my old assface of a boss. we had fun together.

plus now i NEVER see Kari or my Christopher. i went to visit my Christopher yesterday and i made sure to get in lots of hugs and affection since i will now only see him on weekends. merw.

oh! another thing. Pat died. apparently he had bronchitis, and he died in his sleep on Tuesday. i was sad to hear it..i will miss him. it will be weird to not talk to him every day, or look over to Corbo's and not see him sitting there. i missed him this weekend, not gonna lie. he was so nice to us. and more importantly, he was a member of our dysfunctional corbo's/zales family...and he will be missed.

i'm now left wondering, though..Jim died on christmas eve, and Pat just died..and if bad things happen in threes, theres one more tragedy to be had. i hate that.

but i will leave you on this note: do you know how hard it is to find red cord? Alecia and i went on a hunt for it on friday, and we hit Target and Michaels, and for 45 minutes we spent a good portion of concentration looking for it, until finally Alecia stumbled across it (quite literally) as we were in the knitting aisle of Michaels, attempting to find something to settle for.

who knew? but the thing i got was enough to go around the earth 5 times, so yeah. if you need red cord...i'm your woman. hehe

taking 6 classes was a bad idea...cause i hate them all.

except Janusko's class..i won't hate his class. cause its easy. and he's pretty cool. and Danielle's in it with me.

but yeah. my psych of women teacher, aside from being a closeted lesbian (i think so, anyway), treats the class like a graduate course. i am not ok with that.. but i'll live. and the good news is the class isnt really about psych of women (angry lesbians, anyone?), but its about psych of gender. which makes it a little less femi-nazi.

not that im attacking feminists, but you all know the type.

anyway. Dr. Suess's class looks..difficult. i question whether or not i'm smart enough to handle it..but i guess we'll find out.

but yeah it looks like a lot. i dropped down to working just weekends at work bec its just too much with school. also, itd be really fantastic if i made dean's list this semester...but somehow i doubt it.

hahaha really i dont know why i'm so effervescently happy lately, bec it seems as though very little is going my way. less work equals severely smaller paychecks, which equal a problem as far as a) my having a life, b) my new car account, c) car insurance, and d) credit card payments. but rest assured, i'll manage. also, the class thing doesnt really seem to be going my way..parking is an issue bec i have classes in Science Hall now, and everyone knows finding parking in Lot 2 is roughly the equivalent of happening upon a leprachaun perched at the base of a rainbow.

ooh and if thats not enough hahaha yesterday my mom calls me and tells me "you better leave a few minutes early." so i asked her why, and she tells me my tire is flat, and to take it somewhere and let them decide whether its just losing air or if its actually a flat. it better not be a flat, bec i certainly dont have money for tires, and id feel bad if they picked it up.

i'm doing pretty well with my finances lately. *crosses fingers* i'm really proud of myself. now, if im able to budget out gas, food, and credit card payments on a paycheck of roughly 150 dollars every 2 weeks..well. it is then that i will truly be amazing. i need to really pay attention to how much i spend on gas a pay period. but i'm sure i'll manage...i always do.

i just need to squirrel away $465. $365 is for my car insurance, and $100 is for my week-long trip to FLOOOOOOOOORIDA with Kari in feb. i'm *ridiculously* excited about it. 31 days, and i will be boarding a plane in Atlantic City with my Kari. it will be awesome. and warm! haha i can have a tan in the middle of winter now..how exciting. plus, the tickets were only $85--round trip tickets, tax included. pretty awesome.

anyway i guess i'll take out $200 today for car insurance. after i get my freaking tire fixed. and you know...it better just be low on air bec i can't smoke in the civic, and there was that whole issue with the spider infiltration. and its very nerve-racking to be driving along and watching helplessly as a giant, mutant-looking, disease-carrying (possibly) 8-legged...THING scampers across the steering wheel, narrowly missing your fingers. i can handle a lot of things, and lately im better at handling spiders in general, but i cant flip out in a car. i have to act fast, and those little bastards move faster than i do. so. i'd prefer to not have the civic.

plus, you know..it drives like 20 miles an hour. but thats ok. and honestly, both cars get the same gas mileage, so all things considered i'd really rather be in Sunny.

anyway i guess i better go. today is the scholastic day from HELL. i have class from 11-1215, then common hour (which i will spend doing crap in the atrium since our computer was broken until this morning), then classes straight through from 2 to 8.

suuuuuuuck.

but i can entertain myself by debating whether or not i should spend 50 bucks on that really nice bathing suit Stacy's been pushing on me. its really pretty. and its bright turquoise! thoughts?

i am in a good mood.

we finally paid the tuition for the fall semester, so as soon as my advisor decides to email me back, we'll be rolling and i can register for classes...which start on Tuesday, apparently. whoops.

but whatever i'm not worried. plus, i'm out in 3 semesters, thank god. what those 3 semesters will hold is anybodys guess, since william paterson likes to fuck around with me, but thats ok. 3 more semesters and i'm finally, finally out of there.

and it will have only taken me 5 years. way to go.

although i guess thats not that bad, all things considered. but thats ok, i'm happy. and i finally got my grades in, and i did make dean's list this semester..so apparently attendance didn't count for much in that awful music appreciation class haha. i pulled a 3.68 for the semester, which isn't too bad, considering i was working upwards of 40 hours in addition to the classes.

my credit distribution is weird though, so i'm gonna have to buckle down and take 6 classes this semester and next semester. i can graduate if i go 15 for the next 3 semesters, but i'll be two credits short, so i guess i'll just suck it up and pile on 6 classes and cut down a little bit on work.

oh and i got my insurance verification, so friday i will be going to Middletown for an eye appointment...meaning that for the first time since september, i will be able to see. that will be nice..i'm looking forward to it. maybe the wildlife will be safer now that i'll be able to see hahaha. and i have to get a pair of frames, too, so that the next time i run out of contacts, i'll have a backup.

all i have to do is not break these frames in a fit of rage like i did to the other ones. although, to be fair, they were way too weak and didnt help me see anyway, so i guess all things considered it doesnt really matter that theyre broken.

i'm off all this weekend and i'm excited about it. ive got big plans for nothing. but hopefully we'll still be doing date night..i'll find out tomorrow.

what else.. yesterday i went down to Atlantic City with Kari and her mom and stepdad. that was pretty awesome, despite the fact that we were sitting in a car dealership for 7 hours haha. but Kari finally got her car, and it was exciting. the car is adorable, i like it. plus, i *love* spending time with Eddie and Sandy, so all in all it was a good day.

i love Eddie hahaha. he's so fun. the drive down to AC was fun, and we even made sitting in the dealership all day fun. afterwards we went to the Borgata for dinner, which was excellent... then we just milled around for a little while, and Kari and i left at 11, leaving Eddie and Sandy to their gambling haha...and beginning the loooong trip home.

but the car ride was fun. although i have to interject here that it amused me to no end that Kari's car is already acting up haha. well, no..that sounded evil. what happened was, on the last time that they went to go move it (after we'd driven it like 8 times), the key got stuck in the ignition. the car turned off, but the key refused to release itself from the ignition bec the shifter button wouldn't pop out. not a big deal, just amusing and kind of annoying. i'm assuming she got it taken care of today, but i dont know that she had time at all. i hope she did haha since she wasn't that excited about leaving the car with the key in the ignition and locking it in there. but hey, at least theres a spare key and it wasnt unlocked with the key in the ignition.

anyway. today i met Robyn at school and then i went to pay my tuition and pick up the financial aid paperwork...we then went to lunch at the diner and maggie moo's for ice cream, and then i headed home.

although i did sit in some faaaaaantastic traffic for like an hour but thats fine. and can someone please explain to me why people tail you when you're in rush hour traffic? if you're stopped in bumper to bumper traffic, where would you like me to go and what exactly is riding my ass going to accomplish?

someday i will understand.

in the meantime, im gonna go get some stuff done before tv night at Mel's. :)

dear kari and brian, i love you, thank you for making new years suck less than it would have without you. what i would do without you, i don't know.. without kari, no one would be touching my boobs or molesting me haha..and without brian, i would be the lone asshole in a sea of socially adept people. i love you guys...thanks for a fun, calm evening.

and my erryface, i miss you and love you and cant wait to see you again, whenever that might be.

i hate new years.

and while i know that a lot of people love me, and i am lucky enough to spend every day with at least a few of them, sometimes i feel completely alone. and without my best friends and my family, i really dont think i could have made it through the holidays.

so, love love love, to: erry, grace, dana, kari, bri, the rand family, my immediate and extended family, and my much loved but rarely seen Raffaele boys, who make every time i see them count by showering me with more love and affection that i can handle so that i know how much they love me and so it can (kind of) hold me over until the next time i see them.

i miss you, Dale. a LOT.

tomorrow i have to say goodbye to Dana. 8 more months in Texas, and then one of my most favorite friends is off on her next, as of yet unknown adventure. but hopefully she'll hit up the V before she embarks.

someday i will figure out why all of my friends leave. but luckily they dont leave me, just the state and immediate area.

well. my REAL friends dont leave me. the shitty ones that i wasted years of trust and affection on, they have no problems. but hey, i'm not bitter. have a good life. i hope that when you're old and more miserable than you are now (which seems like a feat, but with your defeatist attitude i'm sure you'll find a negative side to everything that comes your way), you look back on all your failures and remember me as your greatest one. i hope when you are older you can't sleep bec youre wondering how and why you threw me away, the one person who would have done anything to keep you when she was stupid enough to think you were worth keeping.

i hope the memory of losing me haunts you forever. i really, really do. not as vindication, or as justification to the shit i went through, but merely to serve as a lesson learned. i hope, for your sake, that i'm the last good person you throw away...but i really think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that loved you as much as i did or treated you as well as i did. i also hope that you one day find this happening to you, so that you can know the pain you caused me and prevent yourself from hurting someone else this deeply.

may the people you meet in the future be influenced by the mistakes you made with me, so that you never do again to somebody else what you did to me.

and with that, i am done with you. i can throw you to the wind now, until you come back, at which point i can all but promise you that it will be too late, but i will take that opportunity to get the answers that i deserve, and then i will bid adieu to you forever.

that sounds bitter and angry, but i dont mean it that way. i just want you to learn from this experience. i hope you read this, even though i know it will make you angry, and you will deny all of these charges i once so readily absolved you from. but in time, whether months or years, you will know inside that i am right, and i can only hope that you use that knowledge to your advantage, and that you will put your self-destructive days behind you. i wish you not ill will, nor goodwill; just the capacity for learning and looking beyond yourself. right now i know this is hard for you; it always was. but it will pass; it did for me. and when everything is clearer, may you use this knowledge and my goodbye to help yourself instead of committing further acts of estrangement and alienation.

happy new year, all. i'd put my resolution here, but i dont believe in them. no one ever keeps them.

no one keeps anything these days. i will just continue to learn from the people around me, and wait until someone (or something) worth fighting for comes along.

i had a dream last night about ryan ritchie. it made me sad when i woke up.

le sigh.

soo. whats happened.. i saw Dana, finally! that made me happy. it was kind of an abbreviated evening, but in true Dana and Laura fashion, we managed to get kicked out of dunkin donuts and then did the traditional sit-in-the-car-in-front-of-dana's-house- and-talk-for-2-hours thing, which was nice. i think i'm actually going to call her tonight and see if coffee is on the agenda.

christmas has come and gone again. i'm not a fan of christmas, but i am a fan of christmas eve, and this year didn't disappoint. i spent probably the best day in years at my aunt's house, with my entire giant, loud, obnoxious family, and it was fantastic.

the only thing i hate about seeing Chris and Anthony is that its a bittersweet reunion; by that i mean that i'm *so* excited to see them, but at the same time i know that it won't happen again for a long long time.

but thats fine. it made me happy to see all of the boys. it was so exciting hahaha i walked in and my Chris came over and wrapped me up into a giant, giant hug for like 5 minutes. then Julie came over to say hello and Anthony came *running* into the room, all excited, and i had a nice little group hug with julie and my boys hehe

there were a lot of people there haha it was a good time. i think the head count was 20 adults and 12 kids.. but it was nice cause the kids all entertained each other. still a lot of people though--i spent a lot of the day sequestered away, either talking to Peter or sitting by my Chris. i didn't want the day to end, but sadly..they all do. so at about 1130 i said my goodbyes (the good news is i will probably see my aunt and uncle in feb..and i'll probably see John, too, so thats good) and we began the drive home.

next day was christmas (as the days after christmas eve tend to be..), and it was all right. the kids were all excited about opening their presents, and then yeah. i dont know. we ate dinner? i spent a lot of the day with my sister, as she figured out how to use her iPod while simultaneously pilfering my iTunes collection haha.

hm. that was monday..tuesday i worked, and i felt like ass so i left at 230. but i got to spend time with my Kari until i left, so yay!..i went home, took a nap, and then cleaned my room a little bit. Ashley called me at like 930 (she and Aaron were home for a few days and i hadn't seen her), so i went down to her house and bullshitted with her and her family until 2 am..and it was the best night in recent history hahaha it was a lot of fun. i forgot just how much i loved the Rands.

yesterday was the same deal. went to work, and i was sick, so i stuck it out til Susan got in at 3 and then i left. went to go tell Kari something, ran into Christopher on the way to Cache (who i love bec as soon as i told him i didnt feel good he immediately went "awww" and pulled me into him and rubbed my back. hes my FAVORITE.), and then went home. and the drive home felt like it was a billion years long, but thats fine.

upon arriving home i proceeded to drop into bed, where i slept for like 4 hours. then i got up and watched tv with my parents and went to sleep again at like 1, and just woke up a half hour ago. and that, so far, has been my week.

its been nice to slow down a little though. life was getting a little *too* crazy.

aaaaand thats my story. i still have to have christmas dinner with Tab and Ashley...i havent even talked to Tab in months. :( and if we're going to have our reunion, we need to do it soon, cause Kara and Alexis go back to school in like 2 weeks...and i dont know when Ashley's leaving for Boston.

haha all of my friends move away, ive noticed. Erry went to Michigan, Dana went to Texas, Ashley went to Florida...Tab is now talking about going to Florida, Ash is going to Boston hahaha. the only one who stuck around was Grace

..but then, i can say that of her on a lot of counts. <3

ok i guess im done now. i have to go get ready for work

oh! our friend is leaving! im kind of sad about this, bec as dumb as he seems to be, my god hes gorgeous. Kari has made an executive decision that we will be visiting him. im all for it hahaha.

even if he is socially awkward and seemingly bipolar....hes gorgeous. and i will miss looking at him. and exchanging accounts of his social awkwardness.

ok done now, i promise hahaha

...but every day i'm learning how to make it through this life i'm in.

and thats my song lyric for the evening.

but seriously. i'm at a loss as to how it could be any clearer that you hate me, and that i'm wasting my time trying to save this. but i can't really be upset. i should be angry, since i didnt do anything to deserve this, and yet i'm still fighting for it. i should just walk away..like you did. you had no problem walking away. for some reason, i DO have a problem.

but yeah. anyway work is nuts. i just have to survive until saturday, and then i can spend sunday with my loves. its the only thing keeping me going.

im so excited haha finals ended yesterday at 1:40pm when i emailed my last paper in to Dr. Suess. i took my last in-class final for her Monday night, and we'll see how that goes. here's hoping i made Deans List this semester..if i did, i will be so happy, since it will be a hard-won victory.

no one ever told me working full time and going to school full time would be THIS hard. and its not even that hard, until finals roll around and i'm pulling in 65 hours a week at work on top of what seems like endless papers and Stuff.

but its over now, and while i will miss this semester, i could not be happier.

i already miss Danielle though hahaha. im excited to hang out with her next week. and my Ashley got into Wheelock! i'm so happy for her. i will be sad when she leaves for Boston, but she'll be home and i'm hoping that she'll be happy there.

i miss Erin. and the boys, too. i was thinking about Kevin and Khalid on my way to work today, for some reason. i'm excited to fly out there again in the summer and see them all.

i should really go to sleep. i have to be back at work at 1030 tomorrow morning for another day of utter insanity, ending at 1030. i havent seen Dana yet..i know shes only been home for like a day, but my days are so long that they each feel like eons.

luckily i have no friends in this town, or else i'd be really upset that i dont really have time to devote to seeing them.

i miss Dale and Teddy today. i'm going to try to make it to the cemetery sometime before christmas to see Teddy, but its going to be difficult. i'm hoping for friday, since i won't have time tomorrow.

ooh so the good news is i have health insurance again. so if i get into a 5 car pileup, the doctors can attempt to save my life! and i'll be able to see again soon, which i am excited beyond words about.

but i guess i'm gonna go now, because Molly Molly is licking my nose and yelling at me, so i guess she wants to go to sleep.

...and lord, so do i.

i dont even care anymore. i am leaving the pieces to fall where they may. i'm tired of giving chances to people who don't deserve them.. if you guys thought i was a bitch before, wait til you see me now.

anyway finals will be over as of 2pm tomorrow. thats when my paper is due, and then sayonara, this semester. but im kind of sad. i'll miss it. i had good classes this semester, and i'll miss them and most of the people in them.

its exciting though. i was exempted from my British Lit final bec i had an A, and Dr. Suess gave me back my essay final from English Novel and told me it was the best in the class by far, and went on to say that she was more than duly impressed by the content of my essay and the textual evidence i provided, given the abbreviated time frame.

i love her.

tonight was the final for my Lit/Culture of Victorians, and it was shorter than i had thought, which made me nervous. 3 identifications and 14 short answer...i am Nervous.

i mean i have to do *really* shitty to ruin my grade, but still, always a possibility.

work was excellent today. i had a fantastic day. apparently, when i'm nice to people, i can sell circles around my coworkers, which surprised me since a) their job is to sell and b) theyre really, really good at it for the most part. today i walked out with $140 cash commission...and i left Patti a very happy salesperson.

tomorrow i have to write a paper, then go get my sister's christmas present and finish up my dad's present, and then im working. and then the week is relatively smooth sailing...just work, which shouldnt be too awful since school isnt in the picture anymore..i just have to make it to Sunday, and then i will be able to put on my sweatpants and spend the day with my loves in hopewell junction, which i am *very* excited about.

its pretty much the only thing keeping me going. aunt julie plus uncle vincent plus vinessa plus lenny plus chris plus anthony equals the best day of my life and i cant wait.

also Dana comes home tomorrow (exciiiiiiiiiitement!) and im very excited to see her, as i havent seen her since August when she left for Texas.

i guess thats it. i dont really talk to anyone else, so i dont have anyone else to look forward to seeing over break. hopefully i'll see Michael, but probably not, since we suck at making plans. and i'm hoping James calls me when he's home, but i guess we'll see what happens with that.

i miss my Erryface. i already am excited to fly out again next summer and see her and the boys.

but yes. just a few more days, and christmas will be over. the first thing i will do when i go back to work is crawl into my gay boyfriend's arms and receive the hug that i need (i'm holding out so itll be more theraputic haha), and then i can begin to relax a little bit.

i need to register for next semester, but i suppose theres still time.

oh! so get this. i'm so evil that i'm allergic to christmas! *nods* my mom got a real tree for the first time in a few years and when they put it up, i was sitting in the living room crying and sniffling. apparently, if you have someone with allergies in the house, youre supposed to blow out the tree to get the pollen out. well obviously we didnt do that since my parents dont believe that i have allergies (i acquired them in high school, and since i wasnt born with allergies, my mother just thinks im "being dramatic"), and every time i sit in the living room, or am near the tree at all, my eyes tear up and my nose stuffs up and i'm generally miserable.

i think im the only person who's actually allergic to christmas hahaha.

but yeah i think im done now. la la la. objectives for the week:: make it out alive. and have christmas dinner with Tabitha and Ashley. and see Brianna, finally haha..since we suck at making plans since i suck at having free time.

have a lovely week, people. :)

this is why i hate my life this week. for no other reason than just to complain, i will list a detailed itinerary of my week below::

Sunday= work 3-11. come home. finish "Story of an African Farm" for English Novel. study for music appreciation class final.

Monday= work 730-430. class 6-830. date night with Robyn, probably until 11ish. come home. study for music appreciation final. research 10-15 page paper for English Novel.

Tuesday= English Novel 11-1215. last minute studying for music appreciation. music appreciation final 4-?. ?-845, work. Melanie's for nip/tuck (since i missed last week). home.

Wednesday= work 10am-11pm. write 10-15 page paper for English Novel. sleep (depending upon when i finish paper).

Thursday= English Novel final, 11am. work 1230ish to 11. home.

Friday= work 10am-11pm. Date Night with Kari and Brian. home.

Saturday= work 1-11.

Sunday- work 1-11.

notice the "working 7 days a week" theme. and theyre all long days too, with the exception of tuesday which will probably be a 3 hour episode that wont even prove worth coming in for.

i am already exhausted. i want to hibernate. the paper for EngNovel will probably kill me, if work doesnt. blehhhhhhh.

but other than that, i am Happy.. i promise. :)

laa.

i dont really know why i'm updating this..nothing too exciting has happened in the last few days. when did i update this? tuesday? wednesday?

anyway. weds was Grace's birthday, and i didnt see her until thursday but thats fine.. i went to work weds and then went out to the big red barn (if you're from v-town, stay far, far away from that place) to meet PA, Danielle, Gilson, Blair, and Adam...and upon arriving there with Tara in tow,i discovered that a) the big red barn tries really hard to be a nightclub..and fails; b) everyone in vernon still sucks and now they all look the same as one another; c) i'm the only full-bred italian in this town, and theyre all more guidoish than i am (and its my birthright!); d)they just really suck, still.

i felt like i was in Wayne. all the boys had the striped shirts juuuust tight enough and the Wayne Valley haircut and the girls had that little poofy thing on top of their heads with their hair either in a ponytail or held back with a barrette and mini skirts or suuuuuuuuper tight jeans tucked into whatever the boot flavor of the month is, showing what little cleavage they had and wearing too much makeup.

i think i'm far too jaded to be 22 haha. the night pissed me off for a number of reasons (too many people, too many people i KNEW, 2 hours with no drink, the fake schmoozy "oh my god how ARE you" between me and some person i could care less about, stuff like that). but yeah. i saw Steve, which is always nice, and i saw LIZ who i LOVE, got to see Dina for the first time in a long time, ran into AnnMarie (um, who's gorgeous now. gorgeous.), ran into Michael Shenise, saw Elyse for like 2 seconds, you know. i finally gave Blair her present, which was pretty much the only reason i went out, and i left after 2 hours.

so i cant say the night was a total loss, bec i saw a smattering of people i actually do like, gave Blair her present, and of course got to hang out with PA and Gilson and Danielle, who are pretty much my favorites.

umm then thursday was thanksgiving..Lenny couldnt come bec apparently on monday a torch blew up in his hand, so he couldn't drive and that made me sad. i was very much looking forward to seeing him and Michelle, but i guess i have to wait merw. hopefully my aunt will come back to ny for a visit and then i'll get to see him.

but my aunt and my uncle and my cousins all came up (pretty much the people who matter came, except Lenny), and it was fantastic. Vinessa equals my favorite, we had fun, and everyone knows how much i love my Julie and my uncle Vincent. it was a really nice day, i was sad when it was over. Grace came over to visit for a little while, i gave her her birthday present and we looked through old pictures and laughed and then she left after i guess about an hour? 2 hours? bec she had to go to Elisa's...and then i guess that was it. my sister and i sustained a civil conversation (which gets harder and harder for her as the days go by since she pretty much goes out of her way to show me how much she hates me every time we speak) trash talking the odious Mrs. Franklin and a smattering of other teachers we either loved or hated in high school..and that was really it.

friday i had to work at 8 am, which...ugh. every other black friday that i have worked at zales, i have always had the work the night. so thats 3 black friday nights i've worked, and i never really do that fantastic bec all the special promotion sales are in the morning when the department stores have theirs. so finally--FINALLY--after 3 years, i get to open on black friday. got in at 8, had one of my commission shirts on (as Brian and i have affectionately come to call them), and i made....2400 dollars.

yes..thats IT. and i was splitting with Jackie too so its not like i suck as a salesperson. sooo slow. we didnt even make the day, apparently--our goal was 27000 and we just barely hit 24. it was a major disappointment. so then yesterday i assumed it would be busy bec it was the weekend, what else are you going to do?, and i ended up leaving early because it was so dead and there were 4 people on. yeahhhhh....not happy. i',m holding out a little bit of hope for today, but this is supposed to be THE weekend, and i got nothin.

anyhow. friday i went out to dinner with Michelle after work, which was nice. we went to Frank's, i love Frank's, and it was even better since Randy wasn't working hahahahah. then we went back to my car, and i went home...only to meet her AGAIN a few hours later when it was clear i didnt have any other plans..so we went to friendlys for ice cream, got a really weird but all right waiter (who didnt charge michelle haha which i thought was funny), and then came back and that was it.

and my Michelle...working in the city has toughened her up hahahaha. i was terrified driving with her (well, not really, but a little bit)--i wonder if this is what driving with me is like. she was speeding all over the place, switching lanes, tailgating, i dunno haha i thought it was funny. finally, the evil person that lives inside Michelle is coming out to play and its funny.

soooo..saturday i left work early..and then what did i do. oh! i made plans with Tara, but then she called and said she wasn't feeling well so we abandoned that..i called James bec i had talked to him on weds and still hadn't seen him and so we went out to the diner and then i took him to his friend's house (since he was a little drunko haha)...and then i went home, talked to my dad for a little while, watched "Some Kind of Wonderful" (television was evil last night. as evil as the iPod was the night i went out with Robyn), and went to sleep...and here i am.

its now 1115 on Sunday morning and i have to go take a shower since i have to work tonight bleh. but at least i get to see Kari and i'm pretty sure Brian is working so that's fantastic (i love that hes working at Pagoda again haha it gives me someone to talk to.), and i'm with Chris tonight at work so it shouldnt be too bad, we'll entertain each other.

yesterday was fantastic bec i talked to Erry allllll dayyyyyyy. i talked to her for about an hour in the morning, then ic alled her for another 20 minutes on my way to work, and then i got in another 25 on my way to go pick up James. she's fantastic, i miss her, i want to go to Chicago for new years so i can party with her and Khalid and Kevin, i miss them, too, the end.

but no really..the end. bec i gotta go get ready for work.

it occured to me the other day that i don't deserve you. i don't think i ever deserved you.

..but that doesn't change the fact that i won't go down without a fight. i won't lose you.

in other news, thanksgiving is tomorrow and i'm excited. tonight after work is Thanksgiving Eve, and i'm going to be all over the place. going out with Blair, and then meeting up with PA, Gilson and Danielle and prob going to the vernon inn...which i dont want to do haha but whatever i guess its been a while.

i dunno i'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now and meh. i have no focus. i just got distracted by entertainment weekly's 50 best high school movies ha. i'm about to throw the phone across the room, and i dont want to go to work.

friday will suck, i think. im really glad i'm working in the morning.

meh.

laa. i enjoy weekends.

thursday was interesting. the moral of the story is that if you stalk someone (esp someone so clearly not worth your time since theyre retarded, but beautiful), god will punish you. true story. i was upstairs and i managed to spill hot coffee all over myself while breaking stuff at the same time..i'm that talented. its true.

i find that i'm trying to find a reason to like my hot stalker and i'm coming up really short. he's kind of creepy, he's more than kind of stupid, he lacks social graces, and he's just dumb. but its something to do, i guess..its just not really working. and yes, he's GORGEOUS, but then he opens his mouth and i just want to not be talking to him anymore...and be far away from him.

anyway. friday i went to class and worked and then went to applebees with Kari and Brian, which was fun, as always. they make me laugh. i love them.

um. then i went home at like 12.

i bought sweaters at ny&co bec they gave us 30% off for being mall employees. so i bought 4 sweaters. and theyre fuffy and i love them. one is sparkly with a satin tie and its so festive. it makes me smile when i really don't want to so i guess thats a good sign.

today i was off so i went out with robyn. we went out for lunch and then went to the mall...en route to the mall we flew down 80 singing at the top of our lungs to such bad songs as "strong enough", "to love you more", "maneater", and "wake me up before you go-go." then we went to the mall, went to the gap, looked at phones at the verizon store but theyre all assholes and no one would help me, so then we went to ny&co and then drove back to Wayne..went to maggie moos, then proceeded to sit in the car eating and talking about our respective plights. the iPod was surprisingly, evilly accurate, putting on an endless string of songs designed to depress one or both of us. after that was accomplished, we parted ways and i began the long trek home, left only with my (admittedly depressing) thoughts. and here i am.

i'm about to call Grace bec i could use some company and i miss her, but she's probably out so meh. i have to work tomorrow night until 10 for the stupid "evening of giving" crap, but thats fine. after that i have to write a 10 page paper on what it meant to be a child in the victorian era. fun fun fun. then i have to work monday morning, class monday night, class all day tuesday, refresher clean of the house weds morning, then work, then hopefully out drinking with Danielle, PA, and Gilson. if i'm not poor. i miss them..and they'll cheer me up.

i love thanksgiving...i do. but this year..ugh. and its not because of Teddy, as depressing as that is. i dunno.

i gotta go clean my room now though since this is the only chance i'll get before thanksgiving. i can't wait to see my Lenny and hug him.

i'm just really excited about thanksgiving haha. i always loved thanksgiving.

thats it, i guess. my life is boring kind of. wish me luck this week, it's never-ending.


...i miss you.

it's been almost 4 months and sometimes, it still doesn't feel like he's really gone. i keep waiting to run into him somewhere, or see him come home late one night. even when i talk to him, even when i know he's there with me, i will say to myself out loud "i can't believe it," and i really can't. even now, as i sit here and try not to cry, i am thinking about the night i found out, and i think about those words and what they meant: "Teddy Carhart died in a car accident on canistear this morning"-- they still don't feel real to me. i still feel like i'm watching this happen to somebody else, like i'm sympathizing with someone else's emotions and ups and downs. i feel like i'm not myself; like i'm looking down on this girl helpless, unable to make her stop crying and grieving, unable to know what to say. i feel that kind of awkward uselessness that people feel when someone close to someone theyre close with dies--that burning desire to help overwhelmed by the staggering inability to produce the right words at the right times.

as difficult as it is to believe, today has been a good day. i've been having a series of good days, which i know means that very soon there will be an unbearable onslaught of bad days, but i am prepared. i've been going this alone since July 31st and i've only gotten better with time. so far Robyn has been the only one to whom i've been able to uncensor myself enough to talk about him and how much i miss him and i am grateful that i am able to tell her everything, and that she is willing to listen.

the downside to that is that i don't see my Robs nearly as often as i'd like, and we all know how i clam up becaue i hate to burden the people that i love with my own (serious) problems. and while her kindness and her ears have been invaluable to me, i am mostly on my own, as i am with everything else i shoulder, but to be fair there isn't much that i shoulder alone, and this is certainly the biggest and the hardest.

today i saw a picture of him and i just got swept under into a bermuda triangle of loss and sadness and love. i could not have asked for a better person to grow up with. i could not have asked for a better angel with whom to frolic as a child or look up to as an adult, and if god had given me a big brother i certainly don't think he ever could have outdone himself and made anyone better than Teddy. it is Teddy who taught me that your friends can love you as much as your family does, and it is he who taught me optimism and kindness and giving people the benefit of the doubt--lessons i admittedly repressed until i was like 18-- but regardless. he taught me so much--not to rest on a first impression, that people can be better than you think they are, that everyone has a story and not to judge until you hear that story, to believe the best of everything the world has to offer..he and Tracy even taught me how to tie my shoes haha.

to sum this up (for i fear it has already gone on unchecked for too long), i still miss him, every day; but i am grateful for having known him, and i am eternally thankful for being such a big part of his life once (and he a part of mine).

baby, i will always love you. you will always be my big brother, Teddy bear..there is no one who will ever look out for me the way that you did and still do, and i won't ever forget you (as if i could).

today was uneventful. i slept pretty much all day, and then had class at 6, where we had to draw our interpretation of Matthew Arnold's interpretation of some painting by some guy, which was pretty amusing (i should interject here that i am incapable of drawing even a stick figure--one leg is always longer than the other). umm then i went to the diner with ROBYNFACE and i love love love her.

she was happier today than i've ever seen her, which made me want to hug her bec shes so amazing haha. i had so much fun just sitting in the diner talking about my hot stalker and her hot emo jailbait (not really, but he is young).. it was a much-needed girl talk evening and i loved it.

oooh and my radio finally works in Sunny, so that was fantastic. i drove home blaring dance music and it made me happy. and yes, i danced the whole way home. dangerous, maybe, but here i am so. im in SUCH a good mood. i want to savor it; i dont want to go to sleep. i love being this happy haha. i cant stop dancing.

i should go to hoboken soon. hmm. perhaps i'll invite my hot stalker and make it a good night all around.. ;)

umm what else. i updated this what, a week ago? my week was uneventful (well, compared to other weeks in the life of the lola). i didnt kill any wildlife, so thats a plus.. weds was my in-class essay, and it was mildly calamitous but overall successful. i spent the class talking to Veronica, regaling her with stories of my dysfunctional life. Danielle hasn't been there all week and i miss her, she better be there on weds haha.

anyway then i went to work, and it was raining, blah. then thursday i had a day off for the first time in FOREVER, due to class cancellation and my randomly taking a day off of work (in a week, i wont have a day off til January, so i'm entitled), which i spent running errands in franklin. i bought suede protectant for my Uggs (shut up. i hate myself for buying them but theyre FANTASTIC. so warm), and a smattering of other stuff from walmart, then i got my nails done (they declawed me, theyre so short! i kind of like them though.).. then i got the car washed, came home and relaxed.

friday i had class, where we watched the BBC version of "The Importance of Being Ernest" and i have to say that while i generally believe everything england does kind of sucks, this was really good. theyre really good at acting out their own literature/drama, i must admit. then i went to work, which was moderately uneventful from what i recall.

then i went to applebees with Michelle, which was the most obnoxious evening in recent memory. i think our acne-covered waiter hated me, since he went out of his way to not bring me anything (after we waited for 20 minutes for a waiter to show up, period)...after we figured out that he clearly had a vendetta against me (why does everyone think im such a bitch haha), we kind of tested him, and then left him a crappy tip (anyone who knows me knows how much you have to piss me off for me to give a shitty tip, so i dont feel bad at all.). it was nice to see Michelle though i hadnt seen her in a long time...even if she did cough up half a lung over dinner haha.

Saturday i went to breakfast with Tabitha and Ashley and that was fun. i adore them. after breakfast, Ash and i hung out at my house for a while, and i showed her pictures of my hot stalker, to which she ordered me to stalk back bec "jesus! laura he's GORGEOUS!" and then i went to work.

work was kind of busy, and i was kind of lazy so it took me like 4 hours to get my counts done, but i audited case 9 so thats good. theres 270 pieces in there and if Susan didnt help me it wouldve taken me FOREVER, so...much appreciated, sista. <3

after work i went to Kari's house, where we watched the UFC fight with Brian over pizza and alcohol..she went to sleep cause she didnt feel good and Bri and i stayed up til 3 watching "Clerks" and talking...woke up the next morning with Caroline curled up on the couch next to me (love that dog, even if she is a little psycho haha), drove back to my car with Kari and Bri, and came home.

my sister was there with the kids, and even though she was being kind of a bitch the kids were cute as always..so i ate breakfast with my parents and then took a nap.. woke up and half played with the kids, until she left..where i proceeded to do NOTHING for the rest of the day, but i did talk to Jessalin which was nice bec i havent talked to her in months. hopefully we'll be able to go for drinks soon and i can remember what she looks like haha (kidding. but seriously, i cant even remember the last time i saw her..probably when she met me and Trina at the diner for lunch over a year ago..the day she brought Larry. that was a long ass time ago)

and that brings us to today.

you know i always say i have no life and i do nothing, but then i update this thing and it occurs to me that i'm always doing something ha. thats fine.

anyway. i have a lot of crap to do this week..the paper for my weds class, and i need to do research for my 2 victorian lit papers, so maybe i'll lay low a little bit. plus i'm super poor, but thats ok. i just need to make it to thanksgiving.

which is in a week and a half (!), and where i will hopefully see my LENNY bec i miss him endlessly and i havent seen him since the 4th of July weekend when i was at my uncle's house and he came up with Michelle and me and Michelle got drunk off of 80,000 cosmos my aunt kept pouring into our glasses. i love Michelle she's such a sweetheart. and i miss my Lenny i just want to hug him bec hes fantastic. i could use the blind affection he gives me and only me.

and i miss my Nessie, even though i saw her like 2 weeks ago haha.

anyhow yeah. Weds is Christopher's 21st birthday so i need to come up with something fantastic for him, although i think i know what im going to do and i think he'll get a kick out of it, and i'm waiting til thurs when we're both working bec i think it'll be funnier if he's working ha.

i'm *really* excited about having weds off, i must admit haha. but in the meantime!, i must wash my face and go to sleep even though i'm far too hyper to rest.

today is nip/tuck tuesday and i am looking forward to it.

i'm so tired today. i dont know why..when my alarm went off this morning i could scarcely summon up the strength to rise. i got up to go to my 11:00, where i amused myself with the gay guy (Haj, you know who i mean, i have no idea wtf his name is), and we talked about "Uncle Silas" and it went actually faster than usual. but yeah. i was tired.

i ran into Luke before the class, and talked to Nicole a little bit before and a little bit after. amusing i suppose, i dont really see them that much.

anyway. then the prospect of staying on campus all day was killing me, so i was a bad girl and i came right home instead of sticking around for my 4:00. i just was exhausted by the prospect of sitting in that horrible class for 3 hours. so instead i came home, helped my dad do whatever it was that he was doing (something involving cutting up and reconfiguring a bookcase..i dont ask questions), watched "step by step" (haha i forgot how much i love that show), and took a 3.5 hour nap.

i feel slightly better, but still run-down. i hope im not getting sick again.

tonight i have nip/tuck tuesday, and i have to write my journals for my 11:00 WF class bec they're due tomorrow. le sigh.

oh but good news! i got an A on that essay on "the mill on the floss" that i thought i bombed, and i got an A on the paper for my 11:00 WF class, the paper i thought would have been put to better use as kindling. soo that put me in a good mood hehehe

check back in a week heh i might be dead.

yeahh. saw Danielle Zappile today that was fun i love her. work was all right. my gay boyfriend is the light of my world, and i got nasty looks from about 4 different girls who didnt know he was gay and thought i was sleeping with him. which is an instant ego boost since they all assume i was hot enough to get him in my clutches hehehe.

but yeah. school was all right, kind of long. and then i turned into a Girl, and i definitely cried the entire way to work, thinking about Teddy and how much i love him and i how much i miss him.

its getting annoying now. will this ever get better? at this point all i ask is for it to be bearable. i would give ANYTHING to see him and hear him and hug him and tell him goodbye and that i love him and always loved him. i would give anything to tell him how much i looked up to him and how i looked at him like a big brother and i always had the best day of my life any day i ran into him when we were older, and id ask him to forgive me for falling out of touch with him. id give anything to see him smile at me one more time, or hear him laugh, or watch him tell a story, or hear him singing off key, or hear him say my name.

in the meantime, Teddy bear..i love you more than you could ever know, i can scarcely wait until i see you again.

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing